30 March 2015
Ever feel like you are on information and emotion overload?
Yes.
I understand its only like 4 days in but Holy Hell I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed with everything. I honestly have no clue where my SO stands on us which literally rips my heart out every chance it gets. I have cried every single day since Thursday (it's Monday...). Most days have been multiple times and often I will just burst into tears at a very random time.
I told him tonight that I have a fear. I have always been pretty terrible at being completely vulnerable with him and allowing myself to be "imperfect" around him. This is not good. It has made me keep emotions inside and not totally open up to him and has ultimately kept him at a small distance from the far depths of my heart. So, tonight I told him that the distance we are creating from each other I fear will cause yet another wall to form. I already told him weeks ago that sex with him has sometimes been scary for me or foreign because we will go so long without it that I almost shut off my ability to feel sexual and then when we do be intimate it's almost like my guard is up. I almost fear it. Absolutely none of these tendencies I want nor does he deserve. I want the magic. I know he wants the magic too. I know that we both are realistic that it is not always and never will be all rainbows and butterflies but we both are so young and healthy that we should have and absolutely deserve inhibited intimacy with each other. We deserve the ability to be imperfect around each other. We deserve vulnerability from one another.
We deserve commitment.
Here is another idea that I stumbled upon. My SO knows that some of the baggage that I have is commitment issues. I have too many experiences, both personal and circumstantial (I don't know if that's how you describe it... I'm referring to being around the situations) of infidelity. I mean seriously all 6 years of my military service were drowned in "who's cheating on who", "marriage doesn't mean shit", I've even heard "If you aren't in the same zip code it doesn't count". For God's sake! I wonder why I have a hard time trusting anyone, let alone myself!!
But here's the thing, if I choose to hold on to that baggage and not let my guard down, I won't need to because I will be alone. So, I am being conscious of how I am thinking during this time of separation. I am being positive and un-intruding. I am giving him the space that he has asked for and in turn ridding myself of the burden of wondering if he wants to seek love or intimacy or whatever. I know that my SO is a good man and I know that he really doesn't ever want to hurt me. I know that he deserves my trust and therefore I am giving it to him.
I love him. I will never stop loving him.
Some ideas from my reading:
My past has NO power over me. Just because I have once believed something does not mean that it is infinite.
We are all here to transcend our early limitations. We are here to recognize our own magnificence and divinity no matter what "they" told us.
Whatever we believe will come true for us. My beliefs stem from a thought pattern and patterns absolutely can be changed. Example is that I have always said that I will be the one to ruin this relationship. Even now, in the place where we are at, I have to rid myself of that belief. I have to forgive myself. It takes TWO people to make a relationship. Honestly, I don't know if any ONE person can ruin a relationship but I know that one person sure can influence the outcome of any relationship.
Another idea I really love is the idea that we are NEVER stuck. The point of power is always in the present moment which is always changing. I cannot forget that I am the only person who thinks in my mind therefore I am the authority and I am in control.
Areas that you are hesitant and maybe don't want to change are probably what you NEED to change. Thoughts no longer have any power over me. I choose to be free, All is well in my world.
Goals:
-stay aware of my thoughts and catch them when they start to spiral
-stay away from the thoughts that create pain and cause illness
At this very moment, I do not know what the future holds of me. I know what I can control and I know where I want to be. Therefore, it is my personal responsibility to do everything and anything in my power to get there and make it happen.
I love you Aly. I believe in you. My faith is with you. You are in control.
Monday, March 30, 2015
A plan.
29 March 2015
Here's the deal. There absolutely is no more excuses for why I am putting off my own progress for healing myself and in turn healing my relationship. Communication is a son of a bitch for all relationships so I forgive myself for struggling, however, I can no longer push off the actual work and pray for results. Truth is that will NEVER work. It never has and it never will. I need real, actual work and real, actual results.
This is what happens to cause our relationship blow outs. It will start with my SO doing something that will upset me or piss me off. For whatever reason... Then, I allow myself to boil with my anger and react in an explosion of irritability, irrationality, and emotions. From the beginning of the issue, the conversation is doomed. THIS is what needs to change. (Along with my self-love... that is a work in progress).
How do I change it?
I am going to start by making a legit checklist for myself and printing it out. This honestly should be like common sense for me because when I was flying we lived and breathed by our checklist.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad, and/or panicked:
Step 1: Count to 10. Literally.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
Step 2: Remind myself that Matt is NOT my enemy and he does NOT want to hurt me.
Step 3: Decide what I am actually angry about. Anger/fear is a wish. What am I wishing for? (Those panicked feelings are my signal!! Do not fear them, address them)
Step 4: Address Matt or Ryder calmly beginning with "I am frustrated/angry/mad/sad because ___________. How can we fix this?"
1. Rid the other person of the responsibility for our anger. "He/She made me angry"
-others may be a stimulus of our anger but they are not the cause
-the cause of anger lies in our thinking-in thoughts of blame and judgement
2. Anger is from a need not being met.
-NOT "I am angry because they..."
-BUT "I am angry because I am needing.."
***I am missing the ball on this because I have been too scared to ask for my needs being met. The other night if I could have said "I am really needing some personal time with you" they would have been met. Instead I allowed myself to get angry at you therefore causing a huge problem AND not getting my needs met.
“While I understand you are angry with me, it is not acceptable to me for you to speak using such harsh and accusing words. You and I will talk about this in a calm way or we will wait until we are both calm enough to do so. I expect you to treat me with respect even when you are angry.”
Here's the deal. There absolutely is no more excuses for why I am putting off my own progress for healing myself and in turn healing my relationship. Communication is a son of a bitch for all relationships so I forgive myself for struggling, however, I can no longer push off the actual work and pray for results. Truth is that will NEVER work. It never has and it never will. I need real, actual work and real, actual results.
This is what happens to cause our relationship blow outs. It will start with my SO doing something that will upset me or piss me off. For whatever reason... Then, I allow myself to boil with my anger and react in an explosion of irritability, irrationality, and emotions. From the beginning of the issue, the conversation is doomed. THIS is what needs to change. (Along with my self-love... that is a work in progress).
How do I change it?
I am going to start by making a legit checklist for myself and printing it out. This honestly should be like common sense for me because when I was flying we lived and breathed by our checklist.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad, and/or panicked:
Step 1: Count to 10. Literally.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
Step 2: Remind myself that Matt is NOT my enemy and he does NOT want to hurt me.
Step 3: Decide what I am actually angry about. Anger/fear is a wish. What am I wishing for? (Those panicked feelings are my signal!! Do not fear them, address them)
Step 4: Address Matt or Ryder calmly beginning with "I am frustrated/angry/mad/sad because ___________. How can we fix this?"
1. Rid the other person of the responsibility for our anger. "He/She made me angry"
-others may be a stimulus of our anger but they are not the cause
-the cause of anger lies in our thinking-in thoughts of blame and judgement
2. Anger is from a need not being met.
-NOT "I am angry because they..."
-BUT "I am angry because I am needing.."
***I am missing the ball on this because I have been too scared to ask for my needs being met. The other night if I could have said "I am really needing some personal time with you" they would have been met. Instead I allowed myself to get angry at you therefore causing a huge problem AND not getting my needs met.
“While I understand you are angry with me, it is not acceptable to me for you to speak using such harsh and accusing words. You and I will talk about this in a calm way or we will wait until we are both calm enough to do so. I expect you to treat me with respect even when you are angry.”
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Happy. Sad. Mad. Glad.
29 March 2015
Happy.
That is the root of all evils. If I am choosing to be unhappy with myself, I will be unhappy with everyone.
Sad.
I am sad for the time I have lost being unhappy. I honestly am searching desperately for the root of my unhappiness and have not been able to put my finger on it. When I can't figure something out I get very frustrated and angry. However, in my book, the author writes that the root of EVERY problem is when self-love is not present. My heart is telling me that if I start there things will fall into place.
Mad.
I am so MAD right now. I am mad that I let this happen. I am mad that I have not been embodying the example I want to be for my son. I am mad that my SO is done and over us. I am mad that he has decided to protect himself from me and my toxic energy. But, I cannot stay mad forever. I will not. In fact, just writing about this anger is helping it escape me. How can I be mad at him for knowing that I am bringing him down? How can I be mad at myself for getting off track with my life when the opportunity to change is staring me back in the mirror. I can choose to be mad or choose to be glad.
Glad.
I am glad I have this life. I am glad I have this body. I am glad I have this soul. I am glad I have me. I am glad that I have happiness. I know what it feels like, tastes like, smells like. I am glad for all things that are me and what I am becoming.
"I love you and accept you for EXACTLY who you are"
Happy.
That is the root of all evils. If I am choosing to be unhappy with myself, I will be unhappy with everyone.
Sad.
I am sad for the time I have lost being unhappy. I honestly am searching desperately for the root of my unhappiness and have not been able to put my finger on it. When I can't figure something out I get very frustrated and angry. However, in my book, the author writes that the root of EVERY problem is when self-love is not present. My heart is telling me that if I start there things will fall into place.
Mad.
I am so MAD right now. I am mad that I let this happen. I am mad that I have not been embodying the example I want to be for my son. I am mad that my SO is done and over us. I am mad that he has decided to protect himself from me and my toxic energy. But, I cannot stay mad forever. I will not. In fact, just writing about this anger is helping it escape me. How can I be mad at him for knowing that I am bringing him down? How can I be mad at myself for getting off track with my life when the opportunity to change is staring me back in the mirror. I can choose to be mad or choose to be glad.
Glad.
I am glad I have this life. I am glad I have this body. I am glad I have this soul. I am glad I have me. I am glad that I have happiness. I know what it feels like, tastes like, smells like. I am glad for all things that are me and what I am becoming.
"I love you and accept you for EXACTLY who you are"
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Alone.
28 March 2015
That is what I am.
I feel as though I have lost everything.
I have.
I have lost myself.
I have lost my drive.
I have lost my light.
I have lost my best friend.
I can chose to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I am allowing myself 5 minutes to do so. Then I must keep going. There is no louder scream to take the steps into the right direction then the screaming of my own quiet soul.
My SO has drawn the line that we are no more. We are co-parents under one roof but that is all. I have never felt more alone in my entire life but I honestly think this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Faced with the reality that I created. Dependent on no one but myself.
Where am I going?
All I know is
Forward.
That is what I am.
I feel as though I have lost everything.
I have.
I have lost myself.
I have lost my drive.
I have lost my light.
I have lost my best friend.
I can chose to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I am allowing myself 5 minutes to do so. Then I must keep going. There is no louder scream to take the steps into the right direction then the screaming of my own quiet soul.
My SO has drawn the line that we are no more. We are co-parents under one roof but that is all. I have never felt more alone in my entire life but I honestly think this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Faced with the reality that I created. Dependent on no one but myself.
Where am I going?
All I know is
Forward.
What is the REAL problem?
28 March 2015
Again, I need to understand that the universe is supporting the choices that I make for myself. However I am choosing to live my life, the universe is my biggest supporter. It sounds like hokey-pokey but it is so true. Have you ever noticed that when you spend a long period in a slump that it seems like everyone is in a slump? Or when you are on top of the world, it seems that those around you are as well. You draw energy from within and the universe will compliment that energy around you.
So, my book covered the difference between "should" and "could". There are so many things that I think I should do but this already is proving to myself that I am in the wrong because I am not already doing it as I expect myself to be. When I phrase things with could, I am then giving myself the option to succeed.
I could choose to change my thought processes.
I could stop all negative self talk.
I could love myself utterly and completely, with all my faults, with all my weaknesses, with all my assets, with all of my love.
I am understanding now that self-love really WILL cure all problems. My insecurities stem from my little self-love. My anxiety stems from my little self-love. My doubts stem from my little self-love. Geez, looks like there is a pattern here, huh?
The author has written this many times already and I hope (and know) she will write it many more times:
What we give out, we get back"
Just going to let that sizzle there for a moment.
Next I made some lists.
Things that I feel love for:
-my health
-my accomplishments and the dreams that I have
-the kindness shown to me daily by so many people.
-the miracle that I have created in my son
-the gift of my SO that was brought to me by a higher power. Without him, it would be MANY more years I'm sure to have realized how desperately I need this journey.
How do I NOT love myself:
-I allow my anxiety to make me ill
-I allow negative self-talk in my mind
-I never "cut myself some slack"
-I do not allow myself to be vulnerable with my loved ones. I keep them at a distance and create barriers for fear of being imperfect
How do I show lack of self-worth:
-whenever my SO is tired, upset, frustrated, I take it out on myself, even when it has nothing to do with me
-I take his needs as a personal attack. When he needs his time alone, I allow myself to feel inferior and unworthy
-again, I do not allow myself to be open and vulnerable with him
-I doubt my abilities to be alone.
Then, this chapter talked about how perfect a baby is. They allow themselves to show every single feeling they are having. When they are happy the entire room knows. When they are upset the entire neighborhood knows. Babies also love every single inch of themselves. They have not learned self-destructive behavior yet. Finally, she reminds us that we all once were a baby and that we too had these abilities.
Finally, I did an exercise which turned out a lot harder than I thought it was going to. I stood in front of a mirror and told myself, "I love you and I accept you for exactly who you are." After saying this out loud ONE time I started to cry. It has been a long time since I actually looked at myself. So, I stayed there, with myself for a long while. I repeated those words, cried some more, I had a conversation with myself, cried some more, and finally said that phrase again with no tears and just a hint of confidence. So now, I have written that message on a piece of paper and taped it to my bathroom mirror and I will, as many times a day as I see it, take a moment to remind myself that I do love myself for exactly who I am.
Goals:
-Remind myself everyday that I love myself for exactly who I am. Say it out loud. Make eye contact with me. Feel my words. Hear my words. Trust my words.
Again, I need to understand that the universe is supporting the choices that I make for myself. However I am choosing to live my life, the universe is my biggest supporter. It sounds like hokey-pokey but it is so true. Have you ever noticed that when you spend a long period in a slump that it seems like everyone is in a slump? Or when you are on top of the world, it seems that those around you are as well. You draw energy from within and the universe will compliment that energy around you.
So, my book covered the difference between "should" and "could". There are so many things that I think I should do but this already is proving to myself that I am in the wrong because I am not already doing it as I expect myself to be. When I phrase things with could, I am then giving myself the option to succeed.
I could choose to change my thought processes.
I could stop all negative self talk.
I could love myself utterly and completely, with all my faults, with all my weaknesses, with all my assets, with all of my love.
I am understanding now that self-love really WILL cure all problems. My insecurities stem from my little self-love. My anxiety stems from my little self-love. My doubts stem from my little self-love. Geez, looks like there is a pattern here, huh?
The author has written this many times already and I hope (and know) she will write it many more times:
What we give out, we get back"
Just going to let that sizzle there for a moment.
Next I made some lists.
Things that I feel love for:
-my health
-my accomplishments and the dreams that I have
-the kindness shown to me daily by so many people.
-the miracle that I have created in my son
-the gift of my SO that was brought to me by a higher power. Without him, it would be MANY more years I'm sure to have realized how desperately I need this journey.
How do I NOT love myself:
-I allow my anxiety to make me ill
-I allow negative self-talk in my mind
-I never "cut myself some slack"
-I do not allow myself to be vulnerable with my loved ones. I keep them at a distance and create barriers for fear of being imperfect
How do I show lack of self-worth:
-whenever my SO is tired, upset, frustrated, I take it out on myself, even when it has nothing to do with me
-I take his needs as a personal attack. When he needs his time alone, I allow myself to feel inferior and unworthy
-again, I do not allow myself to be open and vulnerable with him
-I doubt my abilities to be alone.
Then, this chapter talked about how perfect a baby is. They allow themselves to show every single feeling they are having. When they are happy the entire room knows. When they are upset the entire neighborhood knows. Babies also love every single inch of themselves. They have not learned self-destructive behavior yet. Finally, she reminds us that we all once were a baby and that we too had these abilities.
Finally, I did an exercise which turned out a lot harder than I thought it was going to. I stood in front of a mirror and told myself, "I love you and I accept you for exactly who you are." After saying this out loud ONE time I started to cry. It has been a long time since I actually looked at myself. So, I stayed there, with myself for a long while. I repeated those words, cried some more, I had a conversation with myself, cried some more, and finally said that phrase again with no tears and just a hint of confidence. So now, I have written that message on a piece of paper and taped it to my bathroom mirror and I will, as many times a day as I see it, take a moment to remind myself that I do love myself for exactly who I am.
Goals:
-Remind myself everyday that I love myself for exactly who I am. Say it out loud. Make eye contact with me. Feel my words. Hear my words. Trust my words.
I am in control of EVERYTHING
28 March 2015
I started reading my first book last night and actually I think it will be very good for me to get through this book. I am keeping notes in another journal to then put here.
The book is called You Can Heal Your Life and just after the first chapter I can hear my second therapist speaking all of these words. This is probably a sign that what I am being taught in the book is in fact the highest of importance in order to fix myself. It was the first book that I opened and the universe is speaking to me.
We control every experience in our life by our thoughts. We are the only thinkers in our minds.
How true is this. How did I get here? I doubted myself. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't prioritize myself therefore being unable to prioritize anyone else and the universe listened and supported those decisions.
What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us.
What ideas of mine are limiting me?
-I am not good enough.
-I am unable to change.
Our early life stays with us forever. We tend to treat ourselves as our parents treated us.
Not to fault our parents for anything. They were doing the best that they could with the tools that they knew. But it is up to us now to teach ourselves the tools we want.
NOTHING BUT THE PRESENT MOMENT CREATES THE FUTURE
The past is done. It should not be forgotten but it should not determine your choices in the current moment. By thinking "I'm not good enough", I am fueling my unsatisfied self and a joyous life will never prosper from this fuel.
Major problems most commonly to humans (which I am guilty of ALL) Resentment, Criticism, Guilt, and Fear.
Where has criticism gotten me thus far in my life? Absolutely no where. Great idea: How about I chose to approve of myself!
Today is a new day. My mind and heart are absolutely racing. But this is a good test. Normally I would let my emotions just run wild, I would give in to my fears and find myself in a huge puddle of self-pity. Today, I know the things that I am in control of and I know what I can and cannot do. I can ensure that my thoughts remain focused on this task. I am focusing today on self-love even when I feel like I have been a complete failure. There is no one who will love me as I can love myself. The universe will support whatever route I decide to take so I need to trust myself that I will figure out the right path.
Goals:
-I AM good enough.
I started reading my first book last night and actually I think it will be very good for me to get through this book. I am keeping notes in another journal to then put here.
The book is called You Can Heal Your Life and just after the first chapter I can hear my second therapist speaking all of these words. This is probably a sign that what I am being taught in the book is in fact the highest of importance in order to fix myself. It was the first book that I opened and the universe is speaking to me.
We control every experience in our life by our thoughts. We are the only thinkers in our minds.
How true is this. How did I get here? I doubted myself. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't prioritize myself therefore being unable to prioritize anyone else and the universe listened and supported those decisions.
What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us.
What ideas of mine are limiting me?
-I am not good enough.
-I am unable to change.
Our early life stays with us forever. We tend to treat ourselves as our parents treated us.
Not to fault our parents for anything. They were doing the best that they could with the tools that they knew. But it is up to us now to teach ourselves the tools we want.
NOTHING BUT THE PRESENT MOMENT CREATES THE FUTURE
The past is done. It should not be forgotten but it should not determine your choices in the current moment. By thinking "I'm not good enough", I am fueling my unsatisfied self and a joyous life will never prosper from this fuel.
Major problems most commonly to humans (which I am guilty of ALL) Resentment, Criticism, Guilt, and Fear.
Where has criticism gotten me thus far in my life? Absolutely no where. Great idea: How about I chose to approve of myself!
Today is a new day. My mind and heart are absolutely racing. But this is a good test. Normally I would let my emotions just run wild, I would give in to my fears and find myself in a huge puddle of self-pity. Today, I know the things that I am in control of and I know what I can and cannot do. I can ensure that my thoughts remain focused on this task. I am focusing today on self-love even when I feel like I have been a complete failure. There is no one who will love me as I can love myself. The universe will support whatever route I decide to take so I need to trust myself that I will figure out the right path.
Goals:
-I AM good enough.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Here we are...
27 March 2015
Moral of tonight's story is... I'm fucked up. So, I need to "UnFuck Myself" (If you are offended by curse words you are reading the wrong blog).
Why would you think I would say I'm fucked up? I'm a nice person. I care about others. I am loyal. I am trustworthy. I am all things not fucked up.
Except one...
I literally am relationship incoherent. I may have to admit that I am impossible to have a relationship with. Up to this point in my life I have been a "serial relationshipper" and as soon as shit got tough or I have to do any molding or mending it was over. Simple as that. Now, I am yet again at the same fucking spot. I have found someone I honestly believe that I could live the rest of my life with and I have basically been so resistant to the demands of a relationship that I am now looking to at a family-less life right in the face. My SO is at his limit... well, past. He's done. He doesn't see change even possible for be based on the habitual actions that I have taken and I can't even blame him.
Background. As every relationship I have ever been in did, this relationship went from 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds flat. It was immediate lust and fun. We had SO much fun together, it was almost wrong. Despite how amazing everything was between us, I always struggled with prioritizing my SO. We would go to these amazing hotels for the pools and the relaxing environment and I could barely enjoy myself because I was obsessed with my work. I had to be close to it, I had to be checking my email all the time, it was ridiculous. At the time we lived an hour and a half apart from each other. My SO would come down during the week (his weekends were during the week) and that's when we would see each other. I had the weekends off but was a total snot and couldn't miss my Saturday morning time at work and then felt it was a waste to go up just for a day and a half (bitch button pressed). Eventually, my SO got through to me how messed up it was that I wouldn't go up and see him so I started to, only once he got a bed in his room (didn't have one at the time - bitch button pressed) and I still was hesitant because of his roommates. Regardless, my expectations for what he would do were quickly followed by little in return by me. Time went on and our constantly traveling routine became our norm. We began counseling to work on communication skills which did not last long because my SO HATED the counselor. Not to fault my SO, sometimes you just don't click with the counselor and that's totally fine. We did have a few small break-throughs around this time and things were looking good and BAM, I got pregnant.
Monkey-wrench thrown. Bulls-eye.
My SO was never once worried. Thank God someone wasn't. I was a hot mess. Mostly because my current job was bringing me in less than 20k a year and that plus baby was just not going to work. I LOVED that job but it just wouldn't work. I started seeing a new therapist who tried to enlighten me of self-love and self-happiness. To this day I still am trying to learn and embody these ideas to be a better partner, to be a better mom, and especially to better myself. One cannot be a good partner or parent if they are incapable of being happy alone. Ugh. Heavy shit. So, success with that therapist was I'd say mediocre. The thing is, what I'm really starting to understand, is that you can be taught as much as you want but if you don't live and breathe those things, they don't do or mean shit.
Case in point: to this day I am out of control of my thoughts. What does that mean? One, it means I allow negative self-talk to happen and happen frequently. Two, it means that when my emotions start to spiral I allow my thoughts to spiral too. I have no control over my mind which is exactly one of the tools that this therapist was trying to teach me.
"Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your character. Your character becomes your destiny."
Why can I not get this shit through my big fat skull!?!? Let me just tell you, NOT living this is TOXIC and it will destroy not only YOU but it will destroy the relationships with the ones who love you.
Back to the story. I kind of just let my relationship with that therapist dwindle. I thought I had learned what I needed to and moved on. Anxiety was still keeping me up at night (I was so anxious about being a mother and about being a dependent that I literally would just lay awake in bed). Near the end of my pregnancy I moved to be with my SO and was now jobless, friendless, hugely pregnant, and in a new place.
Panic. Attack. City.
I really struggled, ahem, I am still struggling with being a dependent. I don't have my "own money" anymore which is absurd because my SO has never made it an issue. If I ask and the money is there it is as good as mine. But, it just feels different - I really need to just get over it.
I have my beautiful baby. Life is good - momentarily. I love my son. Literally, he is the light to my every moment. I say I want breaks from him but the second we are apart I yearn to be with him again. I say I'm tired but one look in those eyes and I am awake. I could go on for three days about the joy that he brings to my life but I will spare you all. However, it is now that my inability to be a good partner has begun to truly shine and take the spotlight. Not only now am I never satisfied myself but I am using our son as a means to not be satisfied with my SO.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
I don't know where this insatiable thirst to drain my poor SO's life force came from but let me tell you, it worked. I have failed up to this point to show any progress in learning how to control my mind and my thoughts. I have failed to show any progress in learning how to communicate my needs with him in a logical and unhurtful way. I have failed to appreciate all that he has done for me and especially our son. I have failed as a partner to be his solid rock that he can depend on and lean against. If I continue to just sit back and watch my life slip out of my fingers it WILL be too late and I WILL lose everything (I may already have).
This is my public records of my efforts, struggles, and document what I am learning. I have purchased a few books that I am going to read to help me and I will be continuing therapy with our new therapist. I pray for myself and my family that I can figure this demon out.
Goals:
1. Love myself unconditionally.
2. Negative self-talk and thoughts are ABSOLUTELY forbidden 100% of the time.
3. When my mind starts to spiral out of control, I will stop it and collect my thoughts.
4. Learn and understand:
-Feelings are not fact
-Judgements are not fact
-Angry always is a wish
-When I am angry I am afraid of something. What am I afraid of? What do I actually want?
Moral of tonight's story is... I'm fucked up. So, I need to "UnFuck Myself" (If you are offended by curse words you are reading the wrong blog).
Why would you think I would say I'm fucked up? I'm a nice person. I care about others. I am loyal. I am trustworthy. I am all things not fucked up.
Except one...
I literally am relationship incoherent. I may have to admit that I am impossible to have a relationship with. Up to this point in my life I have been a "serial relationshipper" and as soon as shit got tough or I have to do any molding or mending it was over. Simple as that. Now, I am yet again at the same fucking spot. I have found someone I honestly believe that I could live the rest of my life with and I have basically been so resistant to the demands of a relationship that I am now looking to at a family-less life right in the face. My SO is at his limit... well, past. He's done. He doesn't see change even possible for be based on the habitual actions that I have taken and I can't even blame him.
Background. As every relationship I have ever been in did, this relationship went from 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds flat. It was immediate lust and fun. We had SO much fun together, it was almost wrong. Despite how amazing everything was between us, I always struggled with prioritizing my SO. We would go to these amazing hotels for the pools and the relaxing environment and I could barely enjoy myself because I was obsessed with my work. I had to be close to it, I had to be checking my email all the time, it was ridiculous. At the time we lived an hour and a half apart from each other. My SO would come down during the week (his weekends were during the week) and that's when we would see each other. I had the weekends off but was a total snot and couldn't miss my Saturday morning time at work and then felt it was a waste to go up just for a day and a half (bitch button pressed). Eventually, my SO got through to me how messed up it was that I wouldn't go up and see him so I started to, only once he got a bed in his room (didn't have one at the time - bitch button pressed) and I still was hesitant because of his roommates. Regardless, my expectations for what he would do were quickly followed by little in return by me. Time went on and our constantly traveling routine became our norm. We began counseling to work on communication skills which did not last long because my SO HATED the counselor. Not to fault my SO, sometimes you just don't click with the counselor and that's totally fine. We did have a few small break-throughs around this time and things were looking good and BAM, I got pregnant.
Monkey-wrench thrown. Bulls-eye.
My SO was never once worried. Thank God someone wasn't. I was a hot mess. Mostly because my current job was bringing me in less than 20k a year and that plus baby was just not going to work. I LOVED that job but it just wouldn't work. I started seeing a new therapist who tried to enlighten me of self-love and self-happiness. To this day I still am trying to learn and embody these ideas to be a better partner, to be a better mom, and especially to better myself. One cannot be a good partner or parent if they are incapable of being happy alone. Ugh. Heavy shit. So, success with that therapist was I'd say mediocre. The thing is, what I'm really starting to understand, is that you can be taught as much as you want but if you don't live and breathe those things, they don't do or mean shit.
Case in point: to this day I am out of control of my thoughts. What does that mean? One, it means I allow negative self-talk to happen and happen frequently. Two, it means that when my emotions start to spiral I allow my thoughts to spiral too. I have no control over my mind which is exactly one of the tools that this therapist was trying to teach me.
"Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your character. Your character becomes your destiny."
Why can I not get this shit through my big fat skull!?!? Let me just tell you, NOT living this is TOXIC and it will destroy not only YOU but it will destroy the relationships with the ones who love you.
Back to the story. I kind of just let my relationship with that therapist dwindle. I thought I had learned what I needed to and moved on. Anxiety was still keeping me up at night (I was so anxious about being a mother and about being a dependent that I literally would just lay awake in bed). Near the end of my pregnancy I moved to be with my SO and was now jobless, friendless, hugely pregnant, and in a new place.
Panic. Attack. City.
I really struggled, ahem, I am still struggling with being a dependent. I don't have my "own money" anymore which is absurd because my SO has never made it an issue. If I ask and the money is there it is as good as mine. But, it just feels different - I really need to just get over it.
I have my beautiful baby. Life is good - momentarily. I love my son. Literally, he is the light to my every moment. I say I want breaks from him but the second we are apart I yearn to be with him again. I say I'm tired but one look in those eyes and I am awake. I could go on for three days about the joy that he brings to my life but I will spare you all. However, it is now that my inability to be a good partner has begun to truly shine and take the spotlight. Not only now am I never satisfied myself but I am using our son as a means to not be satisfied with my SO.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
I don't know where this insatiable thirst to drain my poor SO's life force came from but let me tell you, it worked. I have failed up to this point to show any progress in learning how to control my mind and my thoughts. I have failed to show any progress in learning how to communicate my needs with him in a logical and unhurtful way. I have failed to appreciate all that he has done for me and especially our son. I have failed as a partner to be his solid rock that he can depend on and lean against. If I continue to just sit back and watch my life slip out of my fingers it WILL be too late and I WILL lose everything (I may already have).
This is my public records of my efforts, struggles, and document what I am learning. I have purchased a few books that I am going to read to help me and I will be continuing therapy with our new therapist. I pray for myself and my family that I can figure this demon out.
Goals:
1. Love myself unconditionally.
2. Negative self-talk and thoughts are ABSOLUTELY forbidden 100% of the time.
3. When my mind starts to spiral out of control, I will stop it and collect my thoughts.
4. Learn and understand:
-Feelings are not fact
-Judgements are not fact
-Angry always is a wish
-When I am angry I am afraid of something. What am I afraid of? What do I actually want?
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