A plan.

29 March 2015

Here's the deal. There absolutely is no more excuses for why I am putting off my own progress for healing myself and in turn healing my relationship. Communication is a son of a bitch for all relationships so I forgive myself for struggling, however, I can no longer push off the actual work and pray for results. Truth is that will NEVER work. It never has and it never will. I need real, actual work and real, actual results.

This is what happens to cause our relationship blow outs. It will start with my SO doing something that will upset me or piss me off. For whatever reason... Then, I allow myself to boil with my anger and react in an explosion of irritability, irrationality, and emotions. From the beginning of the issue, the conversation is doomed. THIS is what needs to change. (Along with my self-love... that is a work in progress). 

How do I change it? 

I am going to start by making a legit checklist for myself and printing it out. This honestly should be like common sense for me because when I was flying we lived and breathed by our checklist. 

When I feel angry, frustrated, sad, and/or panicked:

Step 1: Count to 10. Literally. 
           1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Step 2: Remind myself that Matt is NOT my enemy and he does NOT want to hurt me.

Step 3: Decide what I am actually angry about. Anger/fear is a wish. What am I wishing for? (Those panicked feelings are my signal!! Do not fear them, address them)

Step 4: Address Matt or Ryder calmly beginning with "I am frustrated/angry/mad/sad because ___________. How can we fix this?"


1. Rid the other person of the responsibility for our anger. "He/She made me angry" 
-others may be a stimulus of our anger but they are not the cause
-the cause of anger lies in our thinking-in thoughts of blame and judgement

2. Anger is from a need not being met. 
-NOT "I am angry because they..."
-BUT "I am angry because I am needing.."
***I am missing the ball on this because I have been too scared to ask for my needs being met. The other night if I could have said "I am really needing some personal time with you" they would have been met. Instead I allowed myself to get angry at you therefore causing a huge problem AND not getting my needs met.

“While I understand you are angry with me, it is not acceptable to me for you to speak using such harsh and accusing words. You and I will talk about this in a calm way or we will wait until we are both calm enough to do so. I expect you to treat me with respect even when you are angry.”