8 April 2015
I got to see Dr Bill by myself finally. I know I have unfinished business that I need to take care of so, it is nice to be able to go and see him by myself.
One question that he asked me that really stuck was in regards to how I am when I get emotionally overwhelmed and get crazy minded was Who would you be if you could be anyone in that scenario? It was really hard to answer. I think a big thing that I want is to be ABLE to relax. It is the perfectionist in me that will not allow myself to relax, make mistakes, and be vulnerable. So how do I let go? That's our challenge.
Also, we made a connection tonight that I had never made myself. So, I put a lot of pressure on my relationship with my SO because I finally feel and want to have it be a forever relationship. Despite my history, this really is the first time that I have heard the forever song. So, I am always pressuring myself to be the perfect image of girlfriend, mother, housewife, etc to him and I get extremely frustrated and scared even when I don't feel his love back. The connection we made is that I have always had a longing to receive love from my mother. Growing up I think that I acted almost the same way with her in a sense that I was the perfect kid and I did all the same hobbies as her and we spent the most time together. Little did I know then that I was just searching to feel love from her. Love, connection, etc. Something, in my opinion, she still does not know how to do. So this pattern has just carried through to my adult relationships. Kind of sad really.
Dr. Bill also is challenging me to challenge myself. When I feel my emotions getting out of control and I hear my inner child making extreme and ridiculous accusations about the present scenario (that presumably I am upset with), I need to challenge her. I need to ask her is that really what is happening? Is he really trying to make me feel that way? Is he really meaning to do this or that? Whatever the case may be. Then, when the answer is undoubtedly no, I need to try and drop that question all together. Just let it go.
I still have so much work ahead of me. I am just trying to stay positive! Although, I did just get snappy with my SO. I honestly didn't mean to be a crab ass but I am starting to feel the stress of the end of the semester and when I got home to a houseful of people I wasn't that happiest feeling. I think as I am writing this that I should probably share these feelings with him.... K bye
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Picking Battles
2 April 2015
My SO and I talked today.
Today was a good day.
I told him how the lady at the VA thought I may have bi-polar disorder or anger management issues. Both I could see me having like a 5% issue with... so in other words... no I'm probably about average. We both agree that I most likely don't have any behavioral disorder but I still have unfinished business. I still have not mastered the ability to take feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, pissed off, or whatever as a signal. A signal to check myself, collect my thoughts and feelings, and either disregard them or address them.
As we were in the car he said something to me that really struck a cord (pretty sure I didn't use that right or say it right or whatever). He said that I still do things that piss him off or irritate him but he asks himself if this thing is really something that he wants to go into with me. It seems so obvious now but geez, if I would have employed this even HALF the times that we have argued.
Do I REALLY want to make an issue of _____?
He said he usually follows up this question with something like, "Well that really pissed me off but she really does do a lot for me in these ways ____..."
Ugh. He has done the work. Can you tell?
So, I need to change my checklist to include these things. Do I really want to make an issue of this? and How else has he made my life better, easier, etc...
I think that this will really help me learn to cope with and control my crazy out of control emotions.
Also, reading the Nonviolent Communication book has been great. It's a little overwhelming so I know I will need to read it again but seriously, if people always talked to each other the way he describes, there really would be no issues anywhere. The author is fantastic and I am so thankful to finally be exposed to his writings.
Goals:
Pick My Battles
-what is worth talking about, what is not.
I still need to pin point my needs right now from my SO. What are the things that I was feeling I was missing from him and what do I want from him.
good night <3
My SO and I talked today.
Today was a good day.
I told him how the lady at the VA thought I may have bi-polar disorder or anger management issues. Both I could see me having like a 5% issue with... so in other words... no I'm probably about average. We both agree that I most likely don't have any behavioral disorder but I still have unfinished business. I still have not mastered the ability to take feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, pissed off, or whatever as a signal. A signal to check myself, collect my thoughts and feelings, and either disregard them or address them.
As we were in the car he said something to me that really struck a cord (pretty sure I didn't use that right or say it right or whatever). He said that I still do things that piss him off or irritate him but he asks himself if this thing is really something that he wants to go into with me. It seems so obvious now but geez, if I would have employed this even HALF the times that we have argued.
Do I REALLY want to make an issue of _____?
He said he usually follows up this question with something like, "Well that really pissed me off but she really does do a lot for me in these ways ____..."
Ugh. He has done the work. Can you tell?
So, I need to change my checklist to include these things. Do I really want to make an issue of this? and How else has he made my life better, easier, etc...
I think that this will really help me learn to cope with and control my crazy out of control emotions.
Also, reading the Nonviolent Communication book has been great. It's a little overwhelming so I know I will need to read it again but seriously, if people always talked to each other the way he describes, there really would be no issues anywhere. The author is fantastic and I am so thankful to finally be exposed to his writings.
Goals:
Pick My Battles
-what is worth talking about, what is not.
I still need to pin point my needs right now from my SO. What are the things that I was feeling I was missing from him and what do I want from him.
good night <3
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Warmth
1 April 2015
Despite the date there will be no jokes on this page. I'm still not in a very joking mood. I have yet to have a day where I don't cry. But I do feel like each day is getting better.
I had two therapy appointments today. The first was an in-processing appointment with the VA and that was fine. It's so strange and disappointing almost how medication is at the forefront of every doctors mind nowadays. This doctor however was the first of any to suggest that I look into anger management which I think is an awesome suggestion. I have a feeling that the Nonviolent Communication will help address those issues a lot but I definitely will remember to read more on anger management. She also asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder... That was strange. I did consider the idea for just a few moments and then said I was pretty sure I did not have it. I'm pretty sure I only ever have met one side of the spectrum (the sad, anxious, and depressed side). The other side included the inability to sleep because of the extreme energy and extreme happiness... I honestly don't think I fit that category. Anyway, I am on the waiting list now for individual therapy there as well as I am going to try to get into their group classes on mindfulness which would be great.
The second appointment my SO and I went to together. I was not very happy at first that he was going to go. We had discussed earlier that I would go alone but he then decided it would be better to go together. In the end I think it was better that we got to go together. The result of the session is that he needs some progress from me before we can move forward which I absolutely understand. It still saddens my heart that we will continue to be distant from each other. I miss him more than ever before and I still don't understand how we will show or know that I am making progress but I have deciding to trust the process. In my other book, the author talked about forcing the process and how it simply cannot happen. She says that impatience is just another form of resistance to the change. I agree with that. The second therapist I saw would always ask me why I was trying SO hard to get through the journey or what my rush was. I guess the joke is on me now. All that work I thought I did was not good enough, was hardly anything at all and it got me nowhere. I was telling my friend that thinking about what I needed to do has just not worked for me. I've thought about it a ton, trust me, but when the shit hits the fan there was absolutely no thinking going on. I just went back to my normal ways.
I am now in my planning mode. I have my checklist for when I need it. I have printed out an affirmation that I read at least 3x a day. I have my books that I am working through and I am always being mindful of my feelings. Questioning them. Figuring out their roots. I know that I need a more progress orientated plan for my SO. I know this. I really am struggling with forming one though. Part of me thinks that it needs to be more organic then a typed plan and then another part of me thinks that is just another excuse or resistance mechanism. I will figure something out for him. For us. I just need a little more time, which is really annoying because that also is a resistance mechanism... I feel like this process is very convoluted sometimes. Alas. I am not giving up.
Anyway, my SO said at therapy that he really does want us to work and that he really does believe in me. That is all I wanted from him this morning. He doesn't know how badly I needed to hear those words. My heart is warm.
Goals:
Be free of understanding everything. I can't and never will.
Trust the process, especially the pace. I cannot force anything.
Despite the date there will be no jokes on this page. I'm still not in a very joking mood. I have yet to have a day where I don't cry. But I do feel like each day is getting better.
I had two therapy appointments today. The first was an in-processing appointment with the VA and that was fine. It's so strange and disappointing almost how medication is at the forefront of every doctors mind nowadays. This doctor however was the first of any to suggest that I look into anger management which I think is an awesome suggestion. I have a feeling that the Nonviolent Communication will help address those issues a lot but I definitely will remember to read more on anger management. She also asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder... That was strange. I did consider the idea for just a few moments and then said I was pretty sure I did not have it. I'm pretty sure I only ever have met one side of the spectrum (the sad, anxious, and depressed side). The other side included the inability to sleep because of the extreme energy and extreme happiness... I honestly don't think I fit that category. Anyway, I am on the waiting list now for individual therapy there as well as I am going to try to get into their group classes on mindfulness which would be great.
The second appointment my SO and I went to together. I was not very happy at first that he was going to go. We had discussed earlier that I would go alone but he then decided it would be better to go together. In the end I think it was better that we got to go together. The result of the session is that he needs some progress from me before we can move forward which I absolutely understand. It still saddens my heart that we will continue to be distant from each other. I miss him more than ever before and I still don't understand how we will show or know that I am making progress but I have deciding to trust the process. In my other book, the author talked about forcing the process and how it simply cannot happen. She says that impatience is just another form of resistance to the change. I agree with that. The second therapist I saw would always ask me why I was trying SO hard to get through the journey or what my rush was. I guess the joke is on me now. All that work I thought I did was not good enough, was hardly anything at all and it got me nowhere. I was telling my friend that thinking about what I needed to do has just not worked for me. I've thought about it a ton, trust me, but when the shit hits the fan there was absolutely no thinking going on. I just went back to my normal ways.
I am now in my planning mode. I have my checklist for when I need it. I have printed out an affirmation that I read at least 3x a day. I have my books that I am working through and I am always being mindful of my feelings. Questioning them. Figuring out their roots. I know that I need a more progress orientated plan for my SO. I know this. I really am struggling with forming one though. Part of me thinks that it needs to be more organic then a typed plan and then another part of me thinks that is just another excuse or resistance mechanism. I will figure something out for him. For us. I just need a little more time, which is really annoying because that also is a resistance mechanism... I feel like this process is very convoluted sometimes. Alas. I am not giving up.
Anyway, my SO said at therapy that he really does want us to work and that he really does believe in me. That is all I wanted from him this morning. He doesn't know how badly I needed to hear those words. My heart is warm.
Goals:
Be free of understanding everything. I can't and never will.
Trust the process, especially the pace. I cannot force anything.
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