Feeling a little overwhelmed

30 March 2015

Ever feel like you are on information and emotion overload? 

Yes. 

I understand its only like 4 days in but Holy Hell I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed with everything. I honestly have no clue where my SO stands on us which literally rips my heart out every chance it gets. I have cried every single day since Thursday (it's Monday...). Most days have been multiple times and often I will just burst into tears at a very random time. 

I told him tonight that I have a fear. I have always been pretty terrible at being completely vulnerable with him and allowing myself to be "imperfect" around him. This is not good. It has made me keep emotions inside and not totally open up to him and has ultimately kept him at a small distance from the far depths of my heart. So, tonight I told him that the distance we are creating from each other I fear will cause yet another wall to form. I already told him weeks ago that sex with him has sometimes been scary for me or foreign because we will go so long without it that I almost shut off my ability to feel sexual and then when we do be intimate it's almost like my guard is up. I almost fear it. Absolutely none of these tendencies I want nor does he deserve. I want the magic. I know he wants the magic too. I know that we both are realistic that it is not always and never will be all rainbows and butterflies but we both are so young and healthy that we should have and absolutely deserve inhibited intimacy with each other. We deserve the ability to be imperfect around each other. We deserve vulnerability from one another. 

We deserve commitment.

Here is another idea that I stumbled upon. My SO knows that some of the baggage that I have is commitment issues. I have too many experiences, both personal and circumstantial (I don't know if that's how you describe it... I'm referring to being around the situations) of infidelity. I mean seriously all 6 years of my military service were drowned in "who's cheating on who", "marriage doesn't mean shit", I've even heard "If you aren't in the same zip code it doesn't count". For God's sake! I wonder why I have a hard time trusting anyone, let alone myself!! 

But here's the thing, if I choose to hold on to that baggage and not let my guard down, I won't need to because I will be alone. So, I am being conscious of how I am thinking during this time of separation. I am being positive and un-intruding. I am giving him the space that he has asked for and in turn ridding myself of the burden of wondering if he wants to seek love or intimacy or whatever. I know that my SO is a good man and I know that he really doesn't ever want to hurt me. I know that he deserves my trust and therefore I am giving it to him. 

I love him. I will never stop loving him.

Some ideas from my reading:

My past has NO power over me. Just because I have once believed something does not mean that it is infinite. 

We are all here to transcend our early limitations. We are here to recognize our own magnificence and divinity no matter what "they" told us.

Whatever we believe will come true for us. My beliefs stem from a thought pattern and patterns absolutely can be changed. Example is that I have always said that I will be the one to ruin this relationship. Even now, in the place where we are at, I have to rid myself of that belief. I have to forgive myself. It takes TWO people to make a relationship. Honestly, I don't know if any ONE person can ruin a relationship but I know that one person sure can influence the outcome of any relationship. 

Another idea I really love is the idea that we are NEVER stuck. The point of power is always in the present moment which is always changing. I cannot forget that I am the only person who thinks in my mind therefore I am the authority and I am in control. 

Areas that you are hesitant and maybe don't want to change are probably what you NEED to change. Thoughts no longer have any power over me. I choose to be free, All is well in my world.

Goals:
-stay aware of my thoughts and catch them when they start to spiral
-stay away from the thoughts that create pain and cause illness


At this very moment, I do not know what the future holds of me. I know what I can control and I know where I want to be. Therefore, it is my personal responsibility to do everything and anything in my power to get there and make it happen. 

I love you Aly. I believe in you. My faith is with you. You are in control.