Warmth

1 April 2015

Despite the date there will be no jokes on this page. I'm still not in a very joking mood. I have yet to have a day where I don't cry. But I do feel like each day is getting better. 

I had two therapy appointments today. The first was an in-processing appointment with the VA and that was fine. It's so strange and disappointing almost how medication is at the forefront of every doctors mind nowadays. This doctor however was the first of any to suggest that I look into anger management which I think is an awesome suggestion. I have a feeling that the Nonviolent Communication will help address those issues a lot but I definitely will remember to read more on anger management. She also asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder... That was strange. I did consider the idea for just a few moments and then said I was pretty sure I did not have it. I'm pretty sure I only ever have met one side of the spectrum (the sad, anxious, and depressed side). The other side included the inability to sleep because of the extreme energy and extreme happiness... I honestly don't think I fit that category. Anyway, I am on the waiting list now for individual therapy there as well as I am going to try to get into their group classes on mindfulness which would be great.

The second appointment my SO and I went to together. I was not very happy at first that he was going to go. We had discussed earlier that I would go alone but he then decided it would be better to go together. In the end I think it was better that we got to go together. The result of the session is that he needs some progress from me before we can move forward which I absolutely understand. It still saddens my heart that we will continue to be distant from each other. I miss him more than ever before and I still don't understand how we will show or know that I am making progress but I have deciding to trust the process. In my other book, the author talked about forcing the process and how it simply cannot happen. She says that impatience is just another form of resistance to the change. I agree with that. The second therapist I saw would always ask me why I was trying SO hard to get through the journey or what my rush was. I guess the joke is on me now. All that work I thought I did was not good enough, was hardly anything at all and it got me nowhere. I was telling my friend that thinking about what I needed to do has just not worked for me. I've thought about it a ton, trust me, but when the shit hits the fan there was absolutely no thinking going on. I just went back to my normal ways. 

I am now in my planning mode. I have my checklist for when I need it. I have printed out an affirmation that I read at least 3x a day. I have my books that I am working through and I am always being mindful of my feelings. Questioning them. Figuring out their roots. I know that I need a more progress orientated plan for my SO. I know this. I really am struggling with forming one though. Part of me thinks that it needs to be more organic then a typed plan and then another part of me thinks that is just another excuse or resistance mechanism. I will figure something out for him. For us. I just need a little more time, which is really annoying because that also is a resistance mechanism... I feel like this process is very convoluted sometimes. Alas. I am not giving up.

Anyway, my SO said at therapy that he really does want us to work and that he really does believe in me. That is all I wanted from him this morning. He doesn't know how badly I needed to hear those words. My heart is warm.

Goals:
Be free of understanding everything. I can't and never will.
Trust the process, especially the pace. I cannot force anything.