Working with Dr Bill

8 April 2015

I got to see Dr Bill by myself finally. I know I have unfinished business that I need to take care of so, it is nice to be able to go and see him by myself. 

One question that he asked me that really stuck was in regards to how I am when I get emotionally overwhelmed and get crazy minded was Who would you be if you could be anyone in that scenario? It was really hard to answer. I think a big thing that I want is to be ABLE to relax. It is the perfectionist in me that will not allow myself to relax, make mistakes, and be vulnerable. So how do I let go? That's our challenge. 

Also, we made a connection tonight that I had never made myself. So, I put a lot of pressure on my relationship with my SO because I finally feel and want to have it be a forever relationship. Despite my history, this really is the first time that I have heard the forever song. So, I am always pressuring myself to be the perfect image of girlfriend, mother, housewife, etc to him and I get extremely frustrated and scared even when I don't feel his love back. The connection we made is that I have always had a longing to receive love from my mother. Growing up I think that I acted almost the same way with her in a sense that I was the perfect kid and I did all the same hobbies as her and we spent the most time together. Little did I know then that I was just searching to feel love from her. Love, connection, etc. Something, in my opinion, she still does not know how to do. So this pattern has just carried through to my adult relationships. Kind of sad really. 

Dr. Bill also is challenging me to challenge myself. When I feel my emotions getting out of control and I hear my inner child making extreme and ridiculous accusations about the present scenario (that presumably I am upset with), I need to challenge her. I need to ask her is that really what is happening? Is he really trying to make me feel that way? Is he really meaning to do this or that? Whatever the case may be. Then, when the answer is undoubtedly no, I need to try and drop that question all together. Just let it go.

I still have so much work ahead of me. I am just trying to stay positive! Although, I did just get snappy with my SO. I honestly didn't mean to be a crab ass but I am starting to feel the stress of the end of the semester and when I got home to a houseful of people I wasn't that happiest feeling. I think as I am writing this that I should probably share these feelings with him.... K bye