Here we are...

27 March 2015


Moral of tonight's story is... I'm fucked up. So, I need to "UnFuck Myself" (If you are offended by curse words you are reading the wrong blog). 

Why would you think I would say I'm fucked up? I'm a nice person. I care about others. I am loyal. I am trustworthy. I am all things not fucked up. 

Except one...

I literally am relationship incoherent. I may have to admit that I am impossible to have a relationship with. Up to this point in my life I have been a "serial relationshipper" and as soon as shit got tough or I have to do any molding or mending it was over. Simple as that. Now, I am yet again at the same fucking spot. I have found someone I honestly believe that I could live the rest of my life with and I have basically been so resistant to the demands of a relationship that I am now looking to at a family-less life right in the face. My SO is at his limit... well, past. He's done. He doesn't see change even possible for be based on the habitual actions that I have taken and I can't even blame him. 

Background. As every relationship I have ever been in did, this relationship went from 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds flat. It was immediate lust and fun. We had SO much fun together, it was almost wrong. Despite how amazing everything was between us, I always struggled with prioritizing my SO. We would go to these amazing hotels for the pools and the relaxing environment and I could barely enjoy myself because I was obsessed with my work. I had to be close to it, I had to be checking my email all the time, it was ridiculous. At the time we lived an hour and a half apart from each other. My SO would come down during the week (his weekends were during the week) and that's when we would see each other. I had the weekends off but was a total snot and couldn't miss my Saturday morning time at work and then felt it was a waste to go up just for a day and a half (bitch button pressed). Eventually, my SO got through to me how messed up it was that I wouldn't go up and see him so I started to, only once he got a bed in his room (didn't have one at the time - bitch button pressed) and I still was hesitant because of his roommates. Regardless, my expectations for what he would do were quickly followed by little in return by me. Time went on and our constantly traveling routine became our norm. We began counseling to work on communication skills which did not last long because my SO HATED the counselor. Not to fault my SO, sometimes you just don't click with the counselor and that's totally fine. We did have a few small break-throughs around this time and things were looking good and BAM, I got pregnant. 

Monkey-wrench thrown. Bulls-eye.

My SO was never once worried. Thank God someone wasn't. I was a hot mess. Mostly because my current job was bringing me in less than 20k a year and that plus baby was just not going to work. I LOVED that job but it just wouldn't work. I started seeing a new therapist who tried to enlighten me of self-love and self-happiness. To this day I still am trying to learn and embody these ideas to be a better partner, to be a better mom, and especially to better myself. One cannot be a good partner or parent if they are incapable of being happy alone. Ugh. Heavy shit. So, success with that therapist was I'd say mediocre. The thing is, what I'm really starting to understand, is that you can be taught as much as you want but if you don't live and breathe those things, they don't do or mean shit.

Case in point: to this day I am out of control of my thoughts. What does that mean? One, it means I allow negative self-talk to happen and happen frequently. Two, it means that when my emotions start to spiral I allow my thoughts to spiral too. I have no control over my mind which is exactly one of the tools that this therapist was trying to teach me. 

"Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your character. Your character becomes your destiny."

Why can I not get this shit through my big fat skull!?!? Let me just tell you, NOT living this is TOXIC and it will destroy not only YOU but it will destroy the relationships with the ones who love you. 

Back to the story. I kind of just let my relationship with that therapist dwindle. I thought I had learned what I needed to and moved on. Anxiety was still keeping me up at night (I was so anxious about being a mother and about being a dependent that I literally would just lay awake in bed). Near the end of my pregnancy I moved to be with my SO and was now jobless, friendless, hugely pregnant, and in a new place. 

Panic. Attack. City. 

I really struggled, ahem, I am still struggling with being a dependent. I don't have my "own money" anymore which is absurd because my SO has never made it an issue. If I ask and the money is there it is as good as mine. But, it just feels different - I really need to just get over it. 

I have my beautiful baby. Life is good - momentarily. I love my son. Literally, he is the light to my every moment. I say I want breaks from him but the second we are apart I yearn to be with him again. I say I'm tired but one look in those eyes and I am awake. I could go on for three days about the joy that he brings to my life but I will spare you all. However, it is now that my inability to be a good partner has begun to truly shine and take the spotlight. Not only now am I never satisfied myself but I am using our son as a means to not be satisfied with my SO.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I don't know where this insatiable thirst to drain my poor SO's life force came from but let me tell you, it worked. I have failed up to this point to show any progress in learning how to control my mind and my thoughts. I have failed to show any progress in learning how to communicate my needs with him in a logical and unhurtful way. I have failed to appreciate all that he has done for me and especially our son. I have failed as a partner to be his solid rock that he can depend on and lean against. If I continue to just sit back and watch my life slip out of my fingers it WILL be too late and I WILL lose everything (I may already have). 

This is my public records of my efforts, struggles, and document what I am learning. I have purchased a few books that I am going to read to help me and I will be continuing therapy with our new therapist. I pray for myself and my family that I can figure this demon out. 

Goals:
1. Love myself unconditionally.
2. Negative self-talk and thoughts are ABSOLUTELY forbidden 100% of the time.
3. When my mind starts to spiral out of control, I will stop it and collect my thoughts. 
4. Learn and understand:
   -Feelings are not fact
   -Judgements are not fact
   -Angry always is a wish
   -When I am angry I am afraid of something. What am I afraid of? What do I actually want?