What is the REAL problem?

28 March 2015

Again, I need to understand that the universe is supporting the choices that I make for myself. However I am choosing to live my life, the universe is my biggest supporter. It sounds like hokey-pokey but it is so true. Have you ever noticed that when you spend a long period in a slump that it seems like everyone is in a slump? Or when you are on top of the world, it seems that those around you are as well. You draw energy from within and the universe will compliment that energy around you. 

So, my book covered the difference between "should" and "could". There are so many things that I think I should do but this already is proving to myself that I am in the wrong because I am not already doing it as I expect myself to be. When I phrase things with could, I am then giving myself the option to succeed. 

I could choose to change my thought processes.
I could stop all negative self talk.
I could love myself utterly and completely, with all my faults, with all my weaknesses, with all my assets, with all of my love. 

I am understanding now that self-love really WILL cure all problems. My insecurities stem from my little self-love. My anxiety stems from my little self-love. My doubts stem from my little self-love. Geez, looks like there is a pattern here, huh?

The author has written this many times already and I hope (and know) she will write it many more times:

What we give out, we get back"

Just going to let that sizzle there for a moment.

Next I made some lists.

Things that I feel love for:
-my health
-my accomplishments and the dreams that I have
-the kindness shown to me daily by so many people. 
-the miracle that I have created in my son
-the gift of my SO that was brought to me by a higher power. Without him, it would be MANY more years I'm sure to have realized how desperately I need this journey. 

How do I NOT love myself:
-I allow my anxiety to make me ill
-I allow negative self-talk in my mind
-I never "cut myself some slack"
-I do not allow myself to be vulnerable with my loved ones. I keep them at a distance and create barriers for fear of being imperfect

How do I show lack of self-worth:
-whenever my SO is tired, upset, frustrated, I take it out on myself, even when it has nothing to do with me
-I take his needs as a personal attack. When he needs his time alone, I allow myself to feel inferior and unworthy
-again, I do not allow myself to be open and vulnerable with him
-I doubt my abilities to be alone.

Then, this chapter talked about how perfect a baby is. They allow themselves to show every single feeling they are having. When they are happy the entire room knows. When they are upset the entire neighborhood knows. Babies also love every single inch of themselves. They have not learned self-destructive behavior yet. Finally, she reminds us that we all once were a baby and that we too had these abilities.

Finally, I did an exercise which turned out a lot harder than I thought it was going to. I stood in front of a mirror and told myself, "I love you and I accept you for exactly who you are." After saying this out loud ONE time I started to cry. It has been a long time since I actually looked at myself. So, I stayed there, with myself for a long while. I repeated those words, cried some more, I had a conversation with myself, cried some more, and finally said that phrase again with no tears and just a hint of confidence. So now, I have written that message on a piece of paper and taped it to my bathroom mirror and I will, as many times a day as I see it, take a moment to remind myself that I do love myself for exactly who I am.

Goals: 
-Remind myself everyday that I love myself for exactly who I am. Say it out loud. Make eye contact with me. Feel my words. Hear my words. Trust my words.